Dumb as Gum

"You critters come eat!" Prudent yelled and cracked the bullwhip a second
time to show he meant business. He liked his little monsters. But he dared
not let them get the upper hand...

Prudent was glad his pets liked to play outside. He needed them out of his
hair while he planned his political career.An ancient movie star named Fagin
wanted Prudent to be his running mate in the next presidential election. Prudent
was looking forward to it. Being rich was cool. But politicians could REALLY
fuck people over.

Just then his little darlings bustled into the kitchen—

Gawlmighty came first. Gawlmighty always came first. It wasn't that he
was the natural leader. It was that he was the stupidest and the meanest
and always made his brothers and sister come second, third, and fourth.

Gawlmighty was decidedly unsightly. He was, of course, sprung from
Gila monster dung. And the yellow ten-gallon hat and red cowboy boots
he'd stolen (and wore constantly) did very little to hide his fugliness.

"Keep your dang paws off them cookies, yall!" he shouted as he
strutted into the kitchen ahead of the others. The others hung back and
let him swagger to the cookiejar. "Now yall ask me, 'Gawlmighty, can
I pretty please have a cookie with sugar on it?'"

The other three—Fangosita the Snake, Ick the Rat, and Rumbo the
Vulture—shrugged. (At least I say they did. It's hard to tell when a
snake shrugs.) Fangosita was looking fondly at Gawlmighty; she
had her heart set on him. But she was quite bright in other respects.

Ick was snarling and grumbling out of the side of his mouth as usual.
Of them all, he had the most brains and the least scruples. As attached
as Gawlmighty was to his cowboy garb, Ick was twice as adamant
that he never be seen wearing anything but the three-piece business
suits that Prudent had brought home for him from the mortuary. Ick was
quick to reassure Gawlmighty that Gawlmighty was the boss. But it
usually turned out that Ick got his way.

Rumbo was no less evil than his brothers. But he had a learning disability.
He was amazingly stupid. While the others were scheming what evil they
might do, Rumbo the Vulture only wanted to play. But that's not to paint
him in innocent colors. He could be as mean as either of his brothers. But
neither of them could be as crazy as he was. He was flying with all four
wheels on the ground.

"Onna nudder gookie," Rumbo said around the cookie in his beak.

Gawlmighty, holding the cookiejar, pretended not to hear.

"Onna nudder gookie!" Rumbo reiterated, spitting crumbs.

Gawlmighty commented to Fangosita that they'd had some bad weather
lately. Fangosita agreed that it had been particularly nasty.

"Onna nudder"—Rumbo swallowed hard—"COOKIE!!!"

"Of course you do, Rumboy!" Gawlmighty deftly handed him the cookie
he has just been about to eat. "You looked like you were having trouble
with that other one and I didn't want you to choke."

Rumbo looked confused and said, "Oh, thanks."

"No problemosa, Rumcake! Always lookin' out fer ya!"

Out of the side of his mouth, little round Ick the Rat said to Fangosita,
"I guess it takes stupidity to handle stupidity!"

"You hush," she said. "If Gawlmighty ever finds out how stupid he really
is, he'll be twice as hard to handle."