Campaign Reliever

Prudent first used behaviorism to shape Gawlmighty into the
perfect presidential candidate. The results showed the shortcomings
of that branch of psychology. But it worked if the supply of weed was kept
small and the resupply was contingent on obedience. Gawlmighty was,
by now, such a stoner that he'd juggle wolverines if it meant he could
get high afterwards.

But, while the pot worked while Gawlmighty was in training, a disastrous
incident just after Prudent bought him the Governorship of Texas showed
that something a little stronger would be needed. Did Prudent have any
hesitation about taking the next step in debasing his foster creature? Sure.
He had to make sure he could get a reliable coke connection first.

Training a dog with a sirloin steak is a lot harder than training Gawlmighty
with cocaine was. Prudent didn't even have to withhold it from Gawlmighty. He had
only to threaten to withhold it and the little monster would do whatever he said.

Prudent thanked God (who only listened to the very rich) that cocaine worked
so well with Gawlmighty. His lust for marijuana had made him trainable. But
it also made him stupider (which he didn't need).

The cocaine, on the other hand, gave him energy and made him bright
and alert. It also made him a little crazier than usual. And when it did, his
ability to use words was the first suffer. Those close to him knew that he
usually lost control of his tongue about twenty minutes before he lost
control of his bladder. But since Gawlmighty wouldn't be giving many
press conferences, Prudent wasn't too worried about either side-effect.

Gawlmighty was one of seven Republican candidates for President that
millennial year. As soon as they threw their hats in the ring, however, Prudent
would throw their names to some old friends of his at the C.I.A. who were
more than glad to dig up the worst dirt that could be used to blackmail them
into withdrawing. If that didn't work, he could always threaten their kids.

Not surprisingly, when it came time for the primaries, Gawlmighty was the only
Republican candidate left. He received the nomination by default and set out
on the campaign trail.

Fate again proved itself no friend of humanity in that Gawlmighty's Democratic
opponent was the aptly named Awkward Bore.

Awkward Bore had been the vice-president of Arkansas Elvis. When Elvis
got caught ruining fine cigars, Awkward Bore felt that he had to work twice as hard to be
charming as a presidential candidate. The only problem was that if Awkward
had had five times the charm he normally had, he still would have bored dogs.

What made matters worse was that Awkward was very intelligent. The great
majority of Americans are stupid and rightfully desire someone who can speak
their language. Awkward's intelligence was a drawback. And as Gawlmighty
got more and more coke on the campaign,he became more and more able
to impress the utterly dumb. He scrambled words like eggs.

"Mr Gawlmighty," said a reporter in Cincinnatti, "What do you intend to do
about the pollution in our rivers?"

Gawlmighty smirked. "Rivers come from rain in the mountains runnin'
downhill. Last time I checked, God was in charge of rain. Next question."

"What are you going to do about global warming if you become president?"

"Leave it alone. Then there'll be more and more of Canada every year."

"What are you going to do about the gang problem in our inner cities?"

"I'm glad you asked that. Children join gangs because they don't have anything
else constructive to do. I'll make them all federal marshals in charge of gettin'
rid of the gang problem in our inner cities. Next problemo."

"What do you intend to do about the Middle East?"

Gawlmighty's coked eyes bugged. "Ooh, the middle east. That would be
like Indiana. I think we ought to make Indiana and California switch places
and then come up with a cure for Diet Coke!"

Ick stepped to the microphone and said, "There'll be no more questions
today. Thanks and vote Gawlmighty-Ick on November Second!"

All in all, though, the coke was a good campaign reliever. Prudent not only
made sure that Gawlmighty had a steady supply. He also made sure that
Gawlmighty had doctors in constant attendance to make sure he had the
vitamins he needed and the tranquilizers when he started talking more
nonsense than usual.

On the road to Election Day, Awkward Bore spoke about the dreams of
our forefathers and Gawlmighty said just what the Republicans and the
Hypochristians wanted to hear; either that or he just started talking cokey
and then the stupid people applauded him over their unheated TV dinners.

Bore couldn't win and Gawlmighty couldn't lose.

Despite all the dirty tricks and purchased votes, as Election Day approached,
against all predictions, Awkward Bore looked like he might just win the close
race. It just shows that when you think you have the American people figured
out, they'll unexpectedly do something right. And then, of course, the real Powers
That Be will have to take drastic measures to see that wrong is victorious.

Prudent had already gone through the first sextillion that Robertson had loaned
him. Now he was glad that he'd been frugal.

In a desperate last-minute move, Prudent bought an army of one thousand of the
sleeziest lawyers that money could buy and had them flown to Florida to prove
that a vote for Bore was really a mistaken vote for Gawlmighty. Past Christmas
and into the new year, the struggle dragged on. Then Prudent had a dastardly
idea that assured them success:

He bought the Supreme Court.