Cowboy Bootcamp

When Prudent got back to the ranch, Gawlmighty was fit to be tied. He
had finished off Prudent's stash and was mad at the world because he
couldn't find any more. Gawlmighty thought that creation was designed
to make him happy. If it were late in doing so, Gawlmighty was ready to
start tearing reality down.

When Rover drove Prudent up the driveway to the ranchhouse, Gawlmighty, the
wannabe cowboy tried six times to lasso the limousine. Unfortunately
Gawlmighty was only a playlike cowboy and he missed
the limo all seven times. When the limo pulled up in front of the house,
Gawlmighty was there bitching out of both sides of his mouth.

"What kind of a father are you!?" He stomped his boots for emphasis.
"You go off for days and leave your little ones here with no one to take
care of them! You should be ashamed of yourself! I wouldn't have any-
thang to do with you if I was me!"

Prudent stifled a grin. "You were well taken care of. There was plenty
of food and everything."

"WELL TAKEN CARE OF!" Gawlmighty stamped both boots hard
enough to raise two little clouds of dust. "I'll have you know that that
little stash you hid behind them big books ran out a day and a half
ago. You shouldn'ta forced me to start smokin' the stuff if you wasn't
gonna make sure there was enough around while you was gone!"

Prudent looked at Gawlmighty with wide eyes. "There was over
three pounds of the best marijuana in the world behind those books!"

"Yeah, well it's gone now. And if you've got any more, I, for one, don't
know where it is. I've torn the whole house apart three times since
yesterday. I even rode Rumbo's back while he flew around the place.
But I couldn't see anythang with my hands over my eyes! And now
you come waltzin' in here like nothin's wrong!"

Prudent chuckled at the thought of Gawlmighty riding Rumbo's back.
Then he said, "Now settle down. I've got more."

"Where!?" Gawlmighty grabbed the knees of Prudent's slacks with
both hands. "I have ways of making you talk!"

Prudent said, "No, hold on. I've got some very important news to tell
you and then I'll go get some more stuff."

"No, now! Get it now!" Gawlmighty let go of one of Prudent's knees,
put the back of one hand against his forehead under his hat and said,
"Is there no end to the grief that a gentleman must endure from a
scoundrel?" Then he added, in his normal voice, "Oh, okay! What is
so all-fired important that you just have to tell me?"

Prudent let the rare silence drag on for a few moments. Then he said,

"Gawlmighty, you're going to be the next President of the United States!"

Gawlmighty looked stunned for a few seconds and then punched Prudent
in the left kneecap with all of his meagre might. "That's where it was! You
took it with you, you selfish son-of-a drive-in-movie! You'd have to be higher
than groceries to say somethin' like that. It's in the limo, isn't it?! Tell me
or I'll tear the limousine into a lot of little Toyotas! Where is it!?"

"No," Prudent said, giggling as if he were high. "I'm not high. You really are
going to be the next President of the United States! It takes two things to be
elected President in this country and they're both money. And I just borrowed
ten sextillion dollars from Brat Robertson and all we have to do is pretend
to do whatever he says."

Gawlmighty didn't say anything. He just walked across the yard and stood
for a while whispering back and forth with Ick. When he was through he
came back and put his hands on his hips.

"What do you get out of it, Prudent?"

Prudent beamed fatherly pride and said, "I get revenge on the poor
for voting me out of office and I'll get to give all my favorite companies the
choice contracts when we go to war and I'll get to help the poor rich people
by doing away with their taxes.

"Yeah, schmeah! But what do I get?"

"Anything you want."

Gawlmighty crossed his arms over his sunken chest. "Not good enough."

"Huh?"

"It's got to be EVERYTHING I want or it's no deal."