Court Jesters

The nine Supreme Court justices that Prudent bought were hardly worth
what he spent for them. The six that were living were called Harpo, Chico,
Groucho, Moe, Larry, and Curly Joe. The other three had been dead in their
chairs for so long that no one remembered what their names were. The
court was quite a busy place the day democracy was stolen.

Prudent's one thousand lawyers crowded on the left side of the courtroom,
pretty much filling the left side of the building. And Awkward Bore's legal
team—two notary publics and a justice-of-the-peace—quivered on the right
side of the courtroom.

Bore's chief legal representative—the handsome notary—said, "I'd like to
approach the bench, your Honors."

"You can approach the bench but don't come over here," Groucho said. "I dont
like your looks. Do you have any others?"

Chico said, "Inna golfa dey say 'approacha de ball.' He gonna smack us?"

"He'd better not try," said Moe. "I'd murderize him!"

Harpo said nothing.

Bore's lawyer said, "No, I mean I'd like to come closer and talk to you."

"You're not the first gentlemen caller that's tried that trick on me," Groucho
said, fanning himself like a Southern Belle and rolling his eyes.

Chico said, "He say he justa wanna talk. Whooda heck is he?"

Curly said, "I think I saw him once. At the zoo! Soitenly! Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!"

Moe hit Curly with a toilet and Larry with the plumber's friend.

"Order in the court," Groucho yelled.

"Pepperoni," gestured Harpo.

Shameless Baker, the lead lawyer for Gawlmighty, rose in his chair
and the room hushed. He put his fist to lips and cleared his throat,
causing Groucho to exclaim, "Somebody get that dear man a glass
of water! Is there no kindness left in this wretched world?"

Shameless Baker smiled a smile that had enough oil to free us from
dependency on the Middle East and said, "Your honors, these ridiculous
re-counts in the state of Florida are not only ridiculous and absurd but are,
in fact, injurious to my client's, Gawlmighty's, boyhood dream of being
the President of these Great United States in a timely fashion forthwith
herewith and pro se."

"Oh, please! Pray tell! What would you have us do?" gushed Groucho.

"He wants us ta make the thing in the hat Pres'dent and that's what
we're getting paid the big bucks for! Nyuck-nyuck-nuck!"

Moe said, "I say we vote on it. Somebody lift up the right hands on the
dead guys and we'll make it anonymous. There! By a vote of 9-to-0, we
declares Gawlmighty the undisputed winner and the new President
of the United States!"

Groucho said, "Thank you all for coming and please drive safely going home."

So money squawked and Gawlmighty became the leader of the free world. It had
been a long fight, and in the end they'd had to cheat. But what's a little thing
like that beside the fact that that they were now in charge? Prudent pulled
his voice box from too much maniacal laughter. Gawlmighty just said, "Damn
right!" and left to alphabetize the phone book.