Arkansas Elvis

Prudent could afford to hire a teacher for his pets. Oh, he could have
afforded fifty or a hundred teachers. But he couldn't afford for his little
secret to get out. It wouldn't do for word to get that the soon-to-be ex-
president of the United States was babysitting monsters. And they would
have sent any sane teacher away from the ranch screaming.

But his heart wasn't in it lately.

He was understandably perturbed.

He had had only one term as President to enrich the war profiteers and
pauperize the people! There was so much more ruthlessness to do! Then,
to make matters worse, he was beaten for reelection by a male stripper
who stripped (and campaigned) under the name "The Arkansas Elvis!"

Prudent's shame was bottomless.

He'd been everybody's darling when he was starting wars to disarm the
guys that Fagin before him had armed. But the poor were fickle. And
because the economy went south and the middle class couldn't pretend
it was upper class anymore, they'd voted for this Elvis. Now Prudent just
had a couple more weeks in the White House.

He'd never hated a man like he hated that Elvis impersonator. The damned
clown patterned himself after a guy who died on the toilet! The problem was
that he believed so much in his own charisma that other people were
convinced by osmosis. It worked especially well for those who never thought twice
if once would work.

Prudent could tell that his pets sensed something was wrong.

Rumbo moped up and gave him a half-eaten cookie.

Ick said, "Tough luck!"

Fangosita slithered up to him and curled around his calf.

Gawlmighty said, "Hey, Dipstick! Why ain't you President no more?"

Prudent called them all together and explained American democracy to
them very carefully. Sitting in his favorite chair, he told them that America
had fought its first war to be free from England which had a king who made
all the laws and had all the power.

And we'd had slaves to do all the hard work and then some do-gooders
came along and spoiled everything and made it so that a poor man's vote
counted for just as much as a rich man's vote. And when poor people vote
they vote stupidly for people like Elvis and Kennedy.

Later, in an effort to soothe his sorrows, Prudent was hiding in the bathroom
in his room, getting high on the sort of pot that only presidents could get
from South American countries wanting foreign aid. He lit up the first of five
joints he'd rolled for himself and inhaled deeply.

Just then a little red cowboy boot kicked the bathroom door in. There stood
Gawlmighty grinning wickedly.

"Aha!" Gawlmighty said from the doorway. "Here you are! I caughtcha!
Caught ya redhanded...doin'...what is it you're doin'? You don't smoke!"

Prudent, already deeply stoned, giggled like a schoolgirl. "These are special
cigarettes." He put his fingers to his lips to shush no one. "It's a secret! If you
smoke these cigarettes, you're not supposed to let anybody know!"

"Why not?"

Though he couldn't remember it, Prudent knew there was a reason why
you weren't supposed to let anyone know you smoked pot. So while his
lazy mind was trying to recall what it was, he blurted out the first thing
he thought of: "It's because if the poor people learn about it feeling so
good, they're gonna say that the government should give it to them for
free and then poor people won't work if they get high."

Gawlmighty's curiosity arose. He stepped forward a step into the bathroom
and looked at the smouldering half-joint in Prudent's hand. He looked at the
joint, then back at Prudent, then back at the joint. Finally he said, "Why do
you look so silly?"

Prudent tried to hide his silliness which, of course, only made him sillier.
"That's because it makes you feel really really good. It makes you forget
all about your conscience. That's why rich folk toke."

"Bet it won't work on me," Gawlmighty said.

"I bet it would, " Prudent said. "This is really good shit."

"WHAT!!??"

"Oh, I'm sorry. No offense intended. I just meant that it's very high-
quality marijuana."

"I'll be the judge of that," said Gawlmighty, taking the roach from Prudent's
fingers and inhaling deeply as he'd seen Prudent do. When that one was
gone, Gawlmighty and Prudent shared another and another and another.

Later, Gawlmighty came out of the ranch house singing, at the top of his
lungs, "THE STARS AT NIGHT, ARE BIG AND BRIGHT—boom,boom,
boom, boom—DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!" He smiled at his brothers
and sister and continued: "The waving wheat, it sure smells sweet when
the wind comes right behind the raaaaain—Oooklhoma! YECH! BLECH!
No that's not right! Oh, I said "Oklahoma!" Beat my tongue on a rock by
the river! Ha! Ha-ha-huh? Oh, yeah. WE'RE MOSTLY WHITE AND WE'RE
ALWAYS RIGHT—DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!!"

Ick, Fangosita, and Rumbo stood to one side sharing theories about what
could be wrong with Gawlmighty. They had just settled on something and
were approaching when Galmighty yelled, "Time to squaredance, yall!"

Then, for reasons only he would ever know, he stuck his elbows out at right
angles to his body and began shuffling his red-cowboybooted feet every-
where they could possibly go in an imaginary two-foot square on the ground
beneath him. This, with the occassional stupid grin and shouted, "Whoa, betty!"
was his idea of elegance. It was hard to watch.

Suddenly Gawlmighty stopped dancing and stood catching his breath. Then he
shouted, "Hey guys! I'll race ya to the kitchen! Let's get some ice cream! I
scream, you scream, we all scream for ice scream!" And with that he took off on
a mad dash for the ranch house.

However, when it came to being high, Gawlmighty was not as experienced
as he was enthusiastic. He ran, full blast, into the kitchen and knocked himself
out trying to run under the kitchen table without ducking. None of the others
were in the kitchen when it happened and they all thought that Gawlmighty had
chosen an odd place and time to take a nap. Nevertheless, they had ice cream.

Meanwhile, still in his bathroom, Prudent was hatching an idea that might get
him back the power of the Presidency. The only problem was that it required
getting a loan from the richest and craziest man in the world—Brat Robertson.